Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
