hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize