Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
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