ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
