Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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