I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
farters have to be the big spoon...
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
