I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
