I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
