and she was petting her beer can
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
