how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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