I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
