Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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