Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
