Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
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