I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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