the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
