Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I smell like Dick and happiness
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