If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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