Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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