K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
