mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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