I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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