I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
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