Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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