I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
