I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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