i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
