No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
