dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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