so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize