My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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