I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
