I think I won the penis lottery.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
