My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
