he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
