Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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