i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Randomize
