I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
