Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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