Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
