if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize