her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
