Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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