I'm so fucking centered right now
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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