he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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