I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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