I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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