oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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