Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
