My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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