Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
