I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
