i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
