I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
