I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
