If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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