Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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