new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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