Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
