ya dads aren't the best wingmen
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Sorry about my life...
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
