Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
