I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
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