did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
