omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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