Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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