my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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