Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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